I Woke Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed Today

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.  

Sunlight filtering through the crappy plastic blinds covering the window made its way into my brain, disrupting my dream.  It was a good dream.  I was in the middle of an impassioned debate with this annoying customer who always has something derogatory to say about the music we carry in the shop where I work.  I was winning.

I wasn’t ready to wake up.  I lay there with my eyes closed, watching the shapes and colors play out over the insides of my eyelids.  I would have gone on, but my bladder was being uncooperative.  It got near the point of pain so I opened my eyes.  And blinked at the floor under my bed.

You may guess my first thought would be, ‘What the fuck?’  It wasn’t.  I first registered how dusty the floor was, then how pretty the grains were running through the wood.  Then it came.  What the fuck?  

In my belated surprise, my bladder relaxed, so not only was I lying on the underside of my bed, but I pissed myself too.  How the bloody hell did I get here? 

I moved my right arm out from under the blanket and tentatively reached up.  Up being toward the floor, so down?  My bed is a platform with plenty of room underneath for clothing bins, that sort of thing.  It was a good eight inches from the end of my nose to the wooden boards.  I couldn’t extend my arm completely before my hand encountered the smooth, cool surface.  It felt real.  

I brought my arm back under the blanket and took a breath.  Okay, here’s what we know.  I’m under the bed, lying like I would be on top of the bed.  The ‘why’ at this point is less important than the ‘how the fuck do I get out of this situation.’

I decided to look out from under the bed and assess.  I moved the blanket to the side and slid carefully to my right.  My heart was hammering in my chest, so hard that my vision jiggled.  I paused for a deep breath.  The last thing I needed was a heart attack brought on by sheer terror.

I reached the bedside board and grabbed it with my left hand.  I maneuvered my upper body so I could get my head under the board.  I looked down at the ceiling.  It was so far away!  How was I going to get out from under the bed and onto the ceiling without spraining an ankle or something? 

I put my head back under the bed to consider.  Maybe if I worked my lower body out and dropped down slowly, keeping a good grip on the side board, I could fall the last couple of feet.  Thankfully the ceiling in my room was only eight feet high.

Another deep breath with my eyes closed and I was moving.  Executing the moves was not as difficult as I imagined.  I dropped to the ceiling close to the overhead (underfoot?) light.  I felt like Alice in Wonderland.  My entire world was upside-down.  Literally.  

I realized I felt vulnerable in just my t-shirt and shorts so I shuffled over to the dresser.  I briefly wondered if the clothes would fall to the floor or ceiling, then eased one drawer open to see what would happen.  Gravity seemed to work the same for my clothes as for me.  I withdrew the necessary items and proceeded to get dressed.  I felt a bit sticky from the urine and decided a trip to the toilet would be my next move.  Plus, my bladder hadn’t entirely emptied and nature was once again sounding klaxons.  I needed to pee.

Shuffling slowly forward, I opened the bedroom door – the knob was forehead level.  I stepped over the frame and crossed the hall to the bathroom.  I looked up at the toilet in dismay.  How the hell was I supposed to get my pee in there?  I wasn’t going to so I did what I could, letting the yellow liquid flow across the ceiling toward the window.  

Feeling a bit better I decided to forgo washing up for more exploration.  I exited the bathroom and walked toward the stairwell.  

I stood there for a long time, looking up at the stairs.  My already overwrought brain could not find a solution.  Resorting to my so-far-successful standby, I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths.  Just to triumphantly open them and reach up for the stair rail.  I pulled myself up as I curled into a ball, trying to plant my toes on the underside of the top rail.  It worked!  I stood on the solid wood and again assessed the situation.

I was on the stairs side of the railing – I should have done that intentionally.  I leveraged myself up again to stand on the decorative board that ran along the base of the railing.  I was able to stretch enough to grab the upper frame on the door (yes, door, it’s an old house with a door in the stairwell) and pull myself up the incline and over the lip onto the foyer ceiling.

Excitedly, I made my way to the front door.  I unlocked it and pushed the door outward.  

Everything looked normal, if upside down.  Cars were stuck to the street and driveways.  Trees were rooted, reaching down into the pool of sky blue beneath me.  I hesitated.  If I stepped out and the day continued as it had begun, I would fall into the sky.  

Movement caught my eye.  A squirrel!  On the Ground!  I laughed in relief.  The squirrel was on the ground outside.  Maybe what was happening was confined to the house.  I stepped onto the upper door lip, holding on tightly to the frame.  I glanced once more to where the squirrel had jumped from the tree then stepped out into the air.